okay this might be a long post, and I probably wont even finish it tonight, because I am very tired.

my period is coming up this week so I have been very emotional and I can tell its coming. I have been having my chest pain again, but its rare and doesn’t last long. I have also been super emotional, crying at everything and feeling extra lonely.

my mind started to spiral today and I got to thinking about everything I have lost this year. sad right? thats just how it started. then I started thinking about the past and people way too much. I then started to worry about family and what I am going to do in the future….. it spirals pretty quickly.

I wrote my last post during a panic attack, thats two this month already… I get very scared when I feel one coming on, because I know how I get and I know how long they last and I always feel exhausted afterwards. I don’t like who I am when I have a panic attack. there are a lot of things that happen during them but this particular time all I kept thinking about was when these used to happen with M and how I treated him during them. this of course made it worse and then I just kept begging with the universe to make the pain go away. the pain will never go away. I will just grow around it.

I kept trying to remind myself how far I have come since that time, and if he just waited or helped then I could have been better with him.