as I typed that I realized its mine and my boyfriends 3 month-aversary. feels like a lot longer.

I am watching a new murder documentary on Netflix. its really good and super intriguing.

I had a bad anxiety attack today so I wanted to document it. I should have seen the signs. We talked about that in therapy a couple times. I think i have been burnt out. With working so much, the holidays with family and Z, and then straight back to working a lot. today was my only “day off” and I couldn’t do anything. I was very tired but I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t eating unless someone forced me to, and then I couldn’t “do” anything today. Eventually, it all exploded and I started hyperventilating. That then turns into crying, because I am so angry at myself for so many things and how I can never do anything right. I have this tick in my right hand where it shakes uncontrollably for the whole time. its very annoying but its kind of like my escape from the mind games. if I don’t let my hand shake then my whole body hurts, its like a release. I did a grounding technique that I learned in therapy. The 12345 method. It got me to stop crying, but I was still shaking and having to control my breathing. I finally laid down in bed because I was very cold for some reason. I was still having horrible thoughts. so many. they spiral very quickly. A couple times I have recorded myself talking them out loud on my phone, but Z had called me to see if I was okay, so I didn’t get to release them. We stayed on the phone for about an hour, and we both fell asleep.

When I woke up I was feeling a little bit better. My mind wasn’t spiraling and I wasn’t shaking anymore. I still did not have the will to do anything though. My panic attacks take a lot out of me. I am always exhausted afterwards and sleep is my only escape.