Today is Halloween and I am at work. I had some kitchen prep today, but it wasn’t a lot so I have been class planning and recipe hunting. Eventually, I will get a day to recipe test, but I like to have them all together so I am ready.

I feel a little better today than this weekend. I had my first class on Friday and Saturday, which went pretty well. Saturday was better than Friday, but I wasn’t as nervous. Sunday I was very “down” all day. Not sad, or depressed, just… down. I had a moment on Saturday night, I had been drinking, where I got pretty upset.

See, my period didn’t come this month, I’m on birth control so its very regular, and I’ve gained some weight in the past month. I got in my own head, bestie helped as well, and I worked myself up about it. Went to the store, got some tests, and took one asap. It was negative, very quickly and very clearly. Told her I would take it again in the morning to make sure. Hung up and called him. Told him it was negative and then burst into tears. I was so upset that it wasn’t positive. I have always wanted children and for so long I thought I was never going to have them. Add in the wine, the missing him, and the loneliness, it didn’t end well. I cried all night, even after I sobered up. Then I was down the next day.

I keep replaying it in my head. Was I upset because I want to have a baby and start a family? Was I upset because I am lonely and wanted a reason to be with him and to have someone with me 24/7? Was I upset that my weight gain is actually my own fault? Not sure.