hi. so today is a day. today was going great, got up early, stretched, got coffee (even though Dunkin f*cked it up), was productive at work, had meetings, took Chewie to dog park, went to gym and ran for 20 minutes, at home, working more.

Here is the issue. I found some things, that I knew were there but I hadn’t looked at in a long time. Like when you have old photos in your camera roll but you never scroll back to look because you know it’ll make you upset. So I found these items, and I looked at them, which I know I shouldn’t have. And now I am thinking of what was and what could have been, even though logical me knows that was never a “could have been”. It was all a fantasy.

I still miss him as a person. as my best friend. my fixer. my rock. I hope he’s okay. I really do. I think part of me still loves him.

I don’t know what im doing. he always made me feel better even though I was sooo mean to him. I was so mean. I am still working through all of that, the guilt of putting him through so much pain…